All I want for Christmas... (6 months post-op)

6 months ago today – probably right on the dot – I was being strapped to the operating table in a spaceship looking operating theatre in a very old hospital building. Thinking back to the particular memories I have just before and just after the surgery, it is the most surreal experience I've had so far. Sometimes when I think about them it still hits me as something transcendent. Probably because I’d never experienced general anaesthetics before, but being “there” one moment and then “losing it” for nearly two hours and then “getting back” is very emotional for me. (I remember telling the anaesthetic doctor when I came about that he must discuss the financial details of some sort of home improvement deal with my husband...) I do not like losing control. I'm the epitome of a control freak. This emotional upheaval might have been exacerbated by the all the attachment I grew and nurtured regarding the procedure and my expectations about my weight loss.

So, how do I feel now? Well... all that was exactly 6 months ago: 23 June 2011. (It was freaking 40C (104 F) outside. I love heat and summer! – unlike today when I was freezing my tushy off walking the dog)

And here are the results:

Starting weight: 235lbs (pre-preop diet)

Current weight: 186lbs

Weight lost: 49lbs

Goal weight: 150lbs

Weight to lose: 36lbs

Starting waist: 38 inches

Current waist: 31.5 inches

Starting hip: 47 inches
Current hip: 40 inches


In a more  visual way (please excuse my just-washed hair) - top row: 13/06/11 lower row: 23/12/11

Ok, here are two more pictures in my Christmas outfits - sans make-up and hairdo, though (when I think about it, I find it slightly creepy that I post my official pictures in a bikini... yukkkk) - and you can sneak a peak into my wonderful kitchen my wonderful husband built me...

My family is arriving this evening from Hungary, hubby is picking up his boys – we are running a full house until 31^st. So this might be my last post for the year... Will see. I might have to do a quick post about the gifts I’ve got (if David seriously got the hint and managed to get the right things from my “list” – on which he insist on every year)

Have I told you about the massive feast we have 24^th every year? I’m Hungarian and our main Christmas event is Christmas Eve. It’s sacred: public transport stops at 4pm, all offices close midday, everyone heads home to be with their family; and we dress the Christmas Tree on 24^th too. Therefore I always struggled with the Anglo-Saxon way of gallivanting out in pubs and attending parties on the 24^th and have the “main do” on 25^th. For this reason we established this little party of ours every year on 24^th: It’s full of Hungarian food and sweets, traditions (yes, we do open our gifts on 24^th, which is brought by the little baby Jesus, NOT Santa Claus, by the way – he’s got his own day on 6^th December with its own traditions.) and Hungarian booze – including my home made eggnog. So that’s what I’m preparing for all week. I’m on the home stretch now, and the arrival of my mum and two sisters will probably ease the load somewhat. My mom and I always, since I was very little, stayed up very late on 23^rd, like 2-3am in the morning, finishing off all the baking and cooking preparations for the next day, so she had less to do on Christmas eve. I’m kind of looking forward to rekindle that atmosphere again – but this time in my spanking new and big kitchen as opposed to the tiny one in our family home. I’m sure mum will be delighted with this change of scenery too. And nothing makes Christmas as special as a child around the house, so I’m very grateful to have my little nephew with us: he’s just under 5 and his sincere admiration of all thing Christmassy brings out the hidden magic of the festivities.

But what about the title of this post: what it is that I want for Christmas? (beware: some selfishness ahead!)

Well – please don’t hate me for saying this! – some more follower for my blog would be nice! I know, what a vain wish! Also, I do personally admire and love all of you who’s following me currently (BIG THANKS for your time and interest, and for keeping my spirits up and beeping in with so much helpfulness and kindness all the time!!), and I'm well aware that I’m writing this blog mainly to give an outlet to my thoughts (all shapes and sizes) and not to collect an admiring audience... I know. But... It would be nice to see some more faces being interested in what I think and feel and going through. Especially when I see how many people follow those blogs I admire... Is that selfish? Yes, it pretty much sounds selfish... and I’m sorry for that. But I was an awful good girl... So pretty please, Santa???

I would also like to wish all of you a happy and love filled Christmas – please spread some love and joy around, and be kind to Yourselves this Season! It is so important to put ourselves first sometimes – even those of us with families to attend to. Even if it’s just nipping out for a walk on your own, or sneaking down to the gym while everyone else is watching re-runs of Grinch...  And don’t berate yourself too much if an extra helping of Christmas pudding (the most vile thing on earth and will never set foot in my kitchen!) makes its way down your stomach... (please note: I’m not advocating overeating here. Everything in moderation!)

Have a happy-happy Christmas all!

With all my love - Krisztina

Facing facts

I'm not going to meet my Christmas target.
This was my last "official" weigh-in and I fall 6.6 lbs short of 180.
Is it my fault? I bet'cha! Although I'm taking my exercise very seriously and stay under my calorie goal 99% of the days I do sometimes make appallingly bad food choices. They do not creep in on top of my otherwise good food items, they replace them occasionally. Like last Friday: healthy snack were swapped with Krispy Kreme... or half of the dinner with chocolate truffles (yeah, I know it's Christmas...)... You get the picture.

Am I beating myself up about this unmet goal? Yes, somewhat. But nothing like I used to before surgery.
B.S. (before surgery) I would have given up exercise by now and blame my busy Christmas schedule. I would have eaten ALL the chocolate truffles I allow myself to buy once a year, and would be thinking about buying one more batch. I would also have given up my efforts for making good food choices most of the time and would just eat whatever comes to mind or I stumble across during these genuinely busy days.
A.S. (after surgery) I made a commitment to stick to my exercise until the very last: I have two runs this week to complete 2nd week of Bridge to 10K (Monday and Wednesday) and a final Zumba session on Thursday.
I've "only" been eating 3-5 truffles a day from my carefully made selection (like Kir Royal or lemon or blueberry) and not the full load in one go AND they are all accounted for in my food log (and kept within my daily allowance). I'm doing my best to stick to my regular eating regime until the very last day before Christmas, and I probably going to designate two-three days between 24th and 31st when I can eat a bit more freely - the rest will be "usual".

So yes, I'm disappointed that I did not meet my planned Christmas goal. And yes, if I look back to the last 3 months I've only lost 12ish lbs altogether. Which is not great, is it? But then I'm nearly at the 50lbs mark, which IS great; also the fact that I have only 36.6lbs to go to reach my target weight. And all those points above which I'm doing differently will eventually make all the difference - even if I felt somewhat like a failure on the scale this morning. So I'm balancing the two: being incredibly successful on the long term and a disappointment to myself in the short term. But which one is more precious? Which one has the bigger power over my acts and emotions? That again is a choice I need to make consciously: that I will not let my short term failures to effect my long term success. That I will keep my eyes on the ball, even if I want to sit down and cry. Because putting on 0.6lb this week and not meeting my target does make me feel like crying. However, seeing the spark in David's eyes when he saw me in my proposed Christmas outfits cannot fail to bring the trophy home: I'm already winning this game! Every single day! Even if the scale sometimes says otherwise.

Then again: could I have done better? Sure - I could have just banished all those bad food choices I made since October and meet my goal in a jiffy. Would I be much ahead of my game? Probably 8-10lbs. Is that such a big difference? It depends. Did those bad food choices worth not meeting my goal? Well, I might have to admit that I'm occasionally cool with the more scenic route to weight loss so I can allow some not outrageous but less good food appear in my "repertoire". At the end of the day, I don't want to banish baking forever from my life, I love cooking and I like to be able to allow a tiny indulgence (like a truffle) every now and then. I rather get familiar with how to control those portions than going cold turkey on them.

All right, those are my musings to start off the day. I'm planning one last post before Christmas: on the 23rd is my 6 months "surgiversary". I will post my pictures pre-op and 6 months together with some other numbers and festive cheer. I'll might even let you in to my kitchen for a sneak-peak... I have a WONDERFUL kitchen!

Be kind to yourselves!
xoxo

Restriction, hello!

Now, I've never had a problem with my level of restriction in either way.
I had my first fill 6 weeks after my surgery and my second - and last so far - one a month after that. That was early September. I do not know how many "cc" is in my band - I honestly do not care as long as it works. I'm losing fairly slowly but definitely steadily. That what matters to me.

Probably because my Doc does fills only under fluoro, my second fill - I believe - hit the fabled "Sweet Spot": I was perfectly fine with it and he also said he doesn't want to see me for a long time... (isn't that funny to hear from your doctor?). I have been very much aware of my band when I did stray off track (like meeting-room sandwiches and my first PB episode, or breakfast muffin from McD, etc.) And I still don't eat rice and pasta, so I cannot pass judgement on that. Apart from these, all kinds of foods and drinks were going down all right. Sometimes, when I'm in a hurry or don't pay enough attention to chewing my food I do get slightly stuck. But it comes up very quickly and solves the problem. I haven't experienced any discomfort (without PBing) while eating anything what so ever. I do notice early signs when I need to stop for a couple of minutes or when I just have to finish eating - but these are very mild and I could easily "override" them if I chose to. I don't.

But something is changing...
In the last week or so, I found it difficult to eat ANYTHING. For goodness sake, I find it difficult to DRINK! All those (good and safe) foods I got used to eating without any problem since September are giving me grief. And not just foods, but even WATER! Yesterday morning I PBd on chocolate truffles! I haven't been able to finish any measured out meal this week.

This is getting crazy - I just finished my fight with a pear... Yesterday a boiled egg were pissing me off... And I cannot drink anything cold, because it just shuts my stoma and I sit there with a good mouthful of fresh water in my pouch... Which is kind of tricky when on the treadmill.

And it's not even TOM... It just passed AND I do not hold any water - Aquaban takes care of that daily.

So what is it then?

I have my 6 months check up with my Doc in mid January - I wonder what he's going to make of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I'm plainly curious. And there is a silver lining: if this sudden increase in restriction holds throughout the festive period I do stand a chance not putting on any extra weight during the eating bonanza. That would be sweeeeeeet!

What do you think causes this? Have you experienced anything similarly unexplained appearance of restriction?

Random thoughts on the go...

I just popped into Pret for a coffee before going to the Dorchester Hotel for a Christmas lunch (yep, THE Dorchester)... Good news for calories: they serve tiny little french portions.

There is no way I can eat more than half of the muffin and sip half of the latte... Good news for calories.

Because of this lunch I'm wearing a pretty little black dress I couldn't wear since early 2009... Good news. Full stop.

David called me "jaw droppingly beautiful" this morning (in my dress)... Even better news.

I have another Christmas do today, in a Persian restaurant with work colleagues... Not so good news on calories. I'm a sucker for that type of food- love the dips and stuffed veggies.

I drew my boss for Secret Santa and her gift hasn't arrived yet... VERY bad and embarrassing news.

What's in your snack(crack)-pot?

Here is what I'm snacking on most afternoons:

1. L-Carnitine & ALA
2. Aquaban (gentle Diuretic)
3. Coenzyme Q10 + Vitamin E
4. Korean Ginseng & Ginkgo Biloba
5. Omega3 Fish Oil
6. VitaBand multivitamin (chewable)
7. Pro-biotic Acidophilus

Not on the picture - as I take them at home almost every morning

- chewable iron

- sublingual B12

All the tablets are cut in half by pillcutter - I cannot swallow anything big. The pro-biotic capsule goes down most days - although sometimes I have to empty and mix them into my yoghurt.

Obsessive? Over the top? They keep me going (especially when I have a run to do after work...).

So what do you snack on? Anything strange,  larks' tongues, wrens' livers, chaffinch brains, jaguars' earlobes, wolf nipple chips*? 

* = for those who might wonder: this line is in Life of Brian - one of my favourite guilty pleasure together with  the Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and my personal favourite line from it:

"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English knnnniggets. Thppppt!"**

**= I would like to apologise profoundly to any English reader this snippet might have hurt. Hurt was not intended, smiling was intended. However, if you do not get Monty Python's humour you're not even real English so no point getting upset over nothing...***

***= I'm Hungarian AND I married an Englishman. So I do like them. I just REALLY dig the humour of MP.

Have a wonderful week everyone!

The view from my personal hell

I wanted to share this with all of you before embarking on day2 of the 10k programme and expire on the treadmill.

This view keeps me going on bad days.

Bah, humbug!

I'm channelling Ebenezer Scrooge today... 
Is this the flavour of the week or what? So many of you out there were telling us about difficult patches right now. And I like to be there, giving you a virtual hug and telling you to cheer up, because it's all going to go away and you all are going to feel better. 
Now look at normally sparkly, chirpy, always positive and can-do me... Where did that girl go?


I'm trying to hold my pieces together, but find it very difficult. I'm exhausted. I'm moody. I'm aching all over. But mainly tired. So tired. I'd like to check out for a while... (not in a sense of taking my own life, but in a sense of leaving myself behind and going on a carefree holiday.) 
I'm tired of watching what I eat, I'm tired of making 200 good (or less so) food choices a day, I'm tired of walking the dog in the morning, I'm tired of pushing myself through exercise... I just want to curl up on the sofa and not take any notice of the world around me. I really do.

But I cannot. I made a commitment to myself.
I must start digging and come up with some deeply buried, secreted energy and mood reserve to push me through the next couple of days (I'm being optimistic and I'll plan that this rut will not last longer) until I get my usual chirpy mojo back.


The other day I had a somewhat heated forum exchange with another lapband patient who's 4 years post-op and reached her target weight 2 years ago. I've responded to a newbie's post about her band not working and that after 2 fills she can still eat whatever she wants in quantities she wants. Well, I was gentle and factual in my response, but I gave her the low-down on how she should put the work in and not rely 100% on the band. (not doing any work on your own and expecting results from the surgery alone and then complaining that it's not working seems to be the going theme here in England. I'm ashamed of it.) This other lady the "oldie" bandster, nearly shouted my head off saying what a lot of crap is that, as she never learned anything (good eating habits, better relationship with food, importance of exercise, self-regulating your portions, etc.) throughout her 4 years with the gastric band and she still reached her target weight and maintaining it for 2 years now, and the only thing she believes in and relies on is her restriction.
My first thought was - guess what?: "you lucky bitch!"
But, I don't know, maybe her circumstances were so special that she already learnt all those things before and really just needed the restriction, or maybe she's been doing all the right things without realising that she's doing them... I don't know. Do you know any other really successful bandsters who got to their target weight and maintaining without changing anything about their lifestyle?
I'm sorry, I'm digressing from my Scrooge moment...


The reason I mentioned the above incident, because I'd like to be that lady today: not making food decisions, just letting my band stop me when it cannot cope with any more food, not going to the gym tonight to run another 6.75k, not having a nervous breakdown as I'm shunning the scale for two weeks and last night my stomach seemed a bit bigger than before... It would be ideal right about now. 


But then again: no one, absolutely no one is stopping me to do just that. To throw away everything I've learned - even for a while - and just take everything as it comes. It is me, who stops me doing it.
It's going to be me who talks myself onto that treadmill tonight (with the promise of 30 min sauna when I finish - no food rewards in sight!) It's going to be me who makes good decision about my food today (I'm still sipping my breakfast protein shake) and not letting me dive into the office Celebration box... well, maybe just once...
It is me, who's doing this for myself. And even on very difficult and low days like this I must find a way to push myself to do the right things. No one's going to do this to me.


I believe that's the biggest lesson I've learned so far from my band: I can have off days, but I cannot give up fighting the good fight.

This should be my motto:

Disclaimer: I do not "heart" run - I abhor it still. But I keep doing it because it's does good to my body.


A very moody hug for all readers!! Let the Christmas spirits sparkle on your day!

10k - here I come!

I've just downloaded Bridge to 10k from the App Store.
They say it's designed for "graduates of C25K" programme.

6 weeks, 3 days a week.
Let's see... ;)

I've got a crappy headache, so I had to fill up on Solphadine. Can you take a puke-bag on the treadmill?

Scale withdrawal and new calories

I know I've been a bit quite lately, but that’s because I live in my little shell normally and it takes some real burning issues/comments to get off my chest, or some really clever point I think I'm making to get my fingers flying over the keyboard.

Little shell won hands down lately, hence the lack of entries. I’m aware that I should put more into this, that might be one of my New Year promises – I promise. (see: witty!)

There is however one major thing on WLS front I’m attempting to change: after much research, consultation with both dietary professionals and just very experienced privates, I’ve made the decision to up my daily calorie intake to 1400kcal (as a start). I’m doing this with the long term aim of reaching a healthy and balanced lifestyle, good fitness level and healthy weight – even if it will take a bit longer than it would have on my usual 1100kcal/day. I mean this next couple of weeks to be a trial period, and according to how will I be and feel at the end of it I will revise my plans.

I know all this should not be a major thing. Many of you told me that I shouldn’t change what was working – but that’s just it: in the last two weeks although I did the same things as before, I just didn’t lose any more weight. So, was this just a “plateau” or I pushed myself into the so called “starvation mode” where my body refused to yield any further.... The jury is still out. I nevertheless will give this new regime a go as I do not think I will be able to exist forever on 900-800kcal a day until the end of my life... I know this would take me closer to my goal weight faster, but that’s just 12 months – what about the 40-50 years following that? I’m a “big girl”: 176cm (5’9”) – I sort of see the point of those who told me I cannot possibly sustain myself with all my workouts on under 1000kcal a day.

Where they right? Only time will tell. However, I’m only two days in but already feeling a bit better in my head, as the obsessive pressure of making my mind up somewhat receded...

Also – how could I forget this – I’m giving up my scale for two weeks. I did not ask David to hide it yet, I’m sort of controlling that so far, but to truly evaluate if increasing my food works I have to lose (if only temporarily) my daily weigh-in habit. I weighed myself on Monday morning and will do so in two weeks time. No sneaky peaks in between – I have the strong feeling that would put me back on my good old regime straight away. I was told that some gain will be inevitable at the beginning, but I shouldn’t get disheartened as I’m doing this for the long term...

Well, let’s see shall we?

Disclaimer:

Not being devil’s advocate, but I sort of see myself going back on all the above in two weeks time and just carry on where I left it... That’s possible, I’m not saying it’s not. I just feel I have time on my hand to play around with various options and find what really suits me. I have 42lbs to go to my goal weight – that gives me certain wiggle room for experimenting. And anyway, Christmas is coming and with the sudden halt in my weight-loss I wouldn’t have made my Christmas target anyway, so this seems like a perfect time to loosen my strict reins a bit and listen to alternative opinions. Then from January I can decide which works better for moi.

Gosh, I feel better!

P.s.:

while researching scale pictures for this entry, I've found this photo:

Totally weird! It's like MY dog, on MY kitchen floor, laying next to MY scale... Really, it freaked me out - if  I wouldn't know better I might think Hubby started a blog on his weight loss journey... 

Azucar shooting for C4

Okayyy... time for relaxing, non-weight loss (sort of) related entry. Enjoy!

So, 8am this morning I had to turn up in my gym for the “filming of the Azucar class”. (again, Azucar is very similar to Zumba, but as I only do Zumba on the wii so far, I cannot tell you what’s the main difference. Probably more impact – we do a LOT of body popping and jumping around) I did as instructed, changed into my – wait for it! – Spandex and thought I check at the studio what’s going on. And that’s when I had my first heart attack!

Let me break it down for you:

I assumed – and we all know what assuming means... – that this is going to be some filler piece in some health show, you know the sort of short reports you can catch on breakfast shows and the like, where they show the class from  distance then probably interview the trainer. Was I wrong, ladies and gent!!!! Wroooong!!

The studio we work out in (there are two in our gym) disappeared behind all kinds of lights and cameras and black wall covers and microphones... I was mortified to see all the fuss! This did not look like a “light spot of filming”. Serves me right, as when I was invited by my teacher last week to be “background girl” I did not even bother to ask what kind of show she’s talking about.

I’m still not 100% sure, but what I could gleam out from various people tells me that the show is some kind of weight loss show where a panel of 3 “judges” or trainers or mentors will work with fat people to get them become healthier. In the initial stages they are going to “audition” for various exercise classes and trainings to chose they preferred methods – and that’s when my Azucar class and teacher came into the picture. She was “auditioning” her class in front of the judging panel this morning. Now, I admit I’m not a celebrity spotter so I had no idea what so ever who the judges were... yep, major ignorance here on celeb front.

But it gets worse! Read on...

When the set up of the studio was completed we had to stand in for light checks and such. They had 2 hours just for our minute and a half routine. Because that’s what we were supposed to do. Sans music! Count-in-your-head style. I’m not a chicken, but I only started this class a month ago. I attended 4 so far... that should hint to my confidence level in my moves. ZERO! And we didn’t even had a routine! Pauline (my teacher) kept telling us that it’s just easy move which we do in every class. My ass! (well, that body part will take centre stage later on – keep reading!)

Also, about the “other” background girls: one of them were lost – she apparently went to Westfield in Stratford , not at White City... Major error: other side of London. Pauline had to give up on her. The third background girl was a close friend of Pauline AND a Zumba and aerobics instructor herself. Got the picture??? Pauline: hot and very fit Azucar instructor from France/Peru, another French girl who’s a Zumba instructor – and ME! I mean, this is crazy!

Hold on, it gets worse!

Now, it was not going to be as “simple” as doing our sans-music little routine in front of the cameras a dozen times! Oh noooo! They needed other shots too. The first one: us three coming out from the changing room and “trotting” through the gym. They said words like “work your booties” and “make it sexy” and such nonsense. And they were filming the whole thing from BEHIND – firming and toning butts being the topic of this part of the show. Now let me tell you: me, in a spandex short, from behind IS NOT SEXY! And I CANNOT do the sexy walk either. I'm a big girl. 190lbs in spandex does not look good on telly, I’m telling you.

But I had to bite the bullet – and just do it. I could not let my instructor down. She handpicked me from her class – no one else was there from our Thursday class, only me. I might have been her second-third-fourth choice, I don’t know: there are really hot looking slinky girls in our class, but she ended up with me. So I could not let her down – that’s not how I roll. And anyway, how embarrassing it can be showing your big fat ass in spandex on national television? Who’s honestly going to see it? Couple of millions of people? That’s butt fluff! (I was f***ing scared to the bone!)

So, they did their shooting of our butts all around the gym in various poses. On one point Pauline had to do her body-pops on the shaking platform (don’t ask, I don’t know what it is, personal trainers are using it with their clients, it’s a feet tall big black box) while me and the other “background girl” had to do stretches focussed on our butts in the background. Honestly... I should have walked off...

But I didn’t.

Then the time came for facing the panel. And that’s when the main judge (I have no clue who she is) had a major diva-breakdown and left the screen crying. It seemed that the whole cast and technical people cannot calm her down and cajole her back on the set. And I wonder why I do not like reality shows (apart from Biggest Loser)... After half an hour she returned, took her seat and we could commence the shooting of our routine. They had a little chat with Pauline to begin with, then we had to do our bit, then two of the judges (not the stroppy one) tried some moves for fun. One of them was a slightly older bodybuilder type guy – assuming again, looking at his muscles – and he was really funny trying to emulate our bottom shaking.

Then all three of them had to give feedback to Pauline about the “class” and the benefits of this kind of workout. But Diva refused to speak, she started crying again and only said “I cannot do this!” in a very dramatic fashion for a couple of times. So Bodybuilder took up her lines and gave more feedback. Then they had to reposition the cameras, so they can shoot the routine in full (put a big camera right in front of us) and we had to walk out and walk in again and do the routine again and the two communicative judges did their trials again too. That was fun again. Especially as the third judge (don’t ask for name – no clue!): she was a very tall (I mean 6’3”) thin blond girl, with a slight Eastern European accent – believe me I can hear them from afar – and a massive beehive hairdo, wearing turquoise leotard, stripy leggings and a bright red 6” platform patent shoe... with a rainbow belt around her tiny waist. She was a sight – but she seemed to be fun too.

Then they did some closing shots with Pauline and us, and we were told we finished. Thank heavens!!! I just about had enough.

In the changing room I found the Diva, sitting on a bench crying profusely – and completely alone. I offered her some water and asked her if she’s all right. She must be throwing the hissy fit from hell, but she’s still a human being in need of compassion. So I offered. She said no, thank you. So I left it. She kept crying – still alone. I was just on the verge of telling her that although I have no idea who she is if she wants to talk about whatever makes her feel so miserable I’m happy to listen... Because me is that kind of person. But then one of the assistants turned up and they started chatting. From what I overheard her problem is being very exhausted (duhh) and that it is still not 100% sure that the show will ever air. What a downer! All my exploits above for nothing! I nearly started crying. Well, not really. I just wrote that for effect so you can see I have some Diva in me too. I’m not only 190lbs fat in spandex....

Have a lovely weekend all! 

And don't let your WFG (Weekend Fat Girl) rare her ugly head - I know that's going to be my weekend challenge.

Please take a seat on my couch (long one)

Or “Thank you for seeing me Herr Freud”

I’ve got my crazy on these days. There are so many aspects to this craziness, that it looks like a kaleidoscope and I find myself slightly dizzy when trying to make out the whole picture.

I need some clarity. I need a list. Lists bring clarity. Unless you have too many lists, because then you need a list to list all lists... (you see what I mean: maaaaad!)

Ok, ok... basic - and not at all all-inclusive - list then.

• Chirstmas is only 23 days away (we from around the middle of Europe tend to celebrate on the 24^th, not the 25^th)
• My family is coming to visit for a week on 23^rd (my mum, little sis, her partner and my 4.5 year old nephew) This is the first time my whole immediate family will be in London for Christmas. I'm very excited and looking forward to it, but also very anxious in the same time... lots of pressure on me, as the host.
• I've made a decision to change my job - with all the added stress this move involves.
• David's just started his new job.
• My weight loss has stalled in the last couple of days. I know it’s a passing thing and I’m getting smaller in measurements, but I cannot help but grieve over the fact that I’m probably not going to make it to my so important Christmas target of under 180lbs. It makes me sad. A lot.
• This “stoppage” in losage (I made that word up) started to make me micro-analyze what I’m doing and how I’m doing it. That might have been a mistake... Read on.

I have a very analytic mind and also high tendency to anal-retentiveness. Very high... I want things done “just so”, meaning: as close to perfect as possible. Not everything in life, but certainly when it comes to my weight loss this is a huge issue. It's worrying how laid back I am in so many other ways. So, on the path to learn more about how I operate and why, I consumed a lot of info mainly to do with nutrition, calorie intake, calorie balance, exercise, etc – you get the picture. I stumbled upon some real gems in my quest (like Steve Troutman’s website Body-Improvements – check it out, it’s full of sense!) and other just as reasonable sounding advices in books, blogs, forums, etc.

But, my anal retentive personality grew larger with each step, and I dug myself in a deeper hole by the hour...

I’d like to share the problem with all of you, but to be honest I rationally know all the answers – the problem is knowing the answer somehow does not stop my craziness about the topic...

I’ve been on 1029kcal/day for a long time now, and I thought I must revisit that figure to see if it serves me on the long term and if I can improve on it in any way. So I started calculating and of course every calculation comes up with different numbers. But being a born number cruncher (me and my spreadsheets!), I can crunch the same numbers and come up with very different end results.

For example, this 1029kcal/day has been working for me fine in the last 3 months. However, I come across the serious issue of eating back your exercise calories – which I never do. That realization led me down the “starvation response” path (which might or might not exist...), and it led to me seriously thinking about the long term issue of maintenance once I achieved my goal weight. I know I will keep exercising, and I know I will still watch what I’m eating but am I going to be wholesome and healthy with such low calorie intake and huge calorie expenditure in the long term? So I decided to take Steve’s advise and re-calculated my daily calorie intake. I did it very stingily with all the smallest figures he provides and with the greatest deficit he recommends, etc, and the final result was around the 1200kcal to lose 2 lb per week. Reasonable. I still did not account for any of my exercises – I feel like eating back those calories (even in a sensible and controlled manner throughout the day) is wasting the hard work I put in. Crazy? Yes. Do I know it? Yes. Will I change my it? Highly unlikely. And that was reasonable me...

But then... I’m reading Winning by Losing by Jillian Michaels. I love her. I love her attitude. And she makes a lot of sense (in my opinion). I listen to her podcasts during my runs. That’s the only thing keeps me going 3 times a week over 5km. So, in her book she makes very similar and sensible points as Steve does. She also gives you some numbers to crunch. According to her (and if I do not take my exercise into the equation) I should eat about 1600kcal/day for maintenance. Of course to lose 2 lb per week, you have to create a deficit of 7000kcal per week. And that’s where it gets scary: this means around 600kcal per day (if no exercise taken into account). Now that is far too low for my liking! Isn’t it? But let’s add my exercise calories: about 400-500, 3-4 times a week, let’s say 2000 per week. That leaves me with 13200kcal intake per week for maintenance, and 885kcal per day for losing 2lb per week. That is still much lower than the 1029 I’m eating around currently. That’s when the alarm bell started to ring again but much louder: if I’m eating 150 kcal extra per day (1029-885), that’s a 1000 kcal extra a week, which diminishes my 2lb weekly loss – and that’s if I don’t ever go over my 1029, which I do sometimes a little bit. So, shall I go down to 885/day to sustain the desired 2lb loss? Hmm...

But there is a third opinion... and it’s provided by my beloved BodyBugg. What a downer! I can have one of 3 kinds of days: work day with gym, work day with no gym, weekend. On average on a workday with no gym (which I deliberately don’t want to call “normal day”, as normal day should involve some exercise) I burn between 2300-2500kcal a day. On working+gym days I burn anything between 2800-3300. On weekends I’m lucky if  I burn 2000. Now, I have a desk job. Sometimes I do not even stand up in my lunch break. BUT: I do walk a lot to and from work: in a non-gym day it adds up to over 10000 steps easily, and tips my moderate exercise level around 45-60 minutes (even though I increased the minimum limit of moderate from 4MET to 4.2MET in my BodyMedia software). My week involves 4 work+gym days, 1 work day, 2 weekends. If I add that up that’s a lot of burned calories: 17500 per week. With the 7000 deficit for 2lb loss a week, it equates to 1500kcal to eat each day.

So, what do I do? 1200? 885? 1500? I know: my trusty 1029 has been working fine, so why change it? Well, that’s where I need to resolve my anal retentiveness: I have conflicting information in front of me, and I MUST know which one is right... I cannot possibly say – “hey, that’s all fine but I don’t care because I have a tried and tested method”. Nope, that’s not me. I NEED ANSWERS! But the more I dig the more confused I become... Add this to my list above – and embrace craziness.

On a much-much more light-hearted matter:

I'm gonna be on telly! I'm gonna be on telly! (imagine this in a singsongy voice with humming included...) My Azucar treacher (it’s like Zumba, but called differently) walked up to me in the dressing room after class last week and asked me what will I do this Friday. This was strange as I didn’t even know her name and only attended 4 classes so far. So I demanded details. It turns out Channel 4 (one of the 5 mainstream terrestrial channels in the UK) are shooting a documentary in/about our gym (which I know and saw happening before) and they are shooting the bit about her class on Friday morning, and she thought it would be great if I could be one of the background people. She needed 4 of us, and she thought my moves are good and look decent enough to make up the background (well, she didn't say that last bit, but David pointed it out kindly). Hey ho!! What is that if not an unconscious compliment - and it's coming from a woman! I mean she does not know me, I’ve only started Azucar a month ago.... And she – the hot latin American trainer girl – thinks my movements are good AND would look good on film! Some little shaky and very unconfident voice inside me is screaming: yes!yes!yes! You do look good!

I rest my case.

Happy craziness to everyone! 

Arghhh...!

I just saw 188 on the scale - fleetingly...
Then it's made up its mind and settled on 190.6....
Ahhhh... The disappointment! ;) :(

Sent from my iPhone

10 things you need to know...

Ok, here is one more - it's an hour long documentary, but my gosh, it has some interesting facts in it!
So please find an hour in your schedule and cosy up in front of your screen - it will worth it.

Click here to get to the video (I hope they don't take it off soon...)

Enjoy!

P.s.: I particularly enjoyed the bit about food diaries and cheese - I LOOOOOVE cheese! Viva cheese!

You must watch this!

I’ve lost my spiel... Anyone found it? Please return the bloody thing, ‘cause I miss it a lot!

Until my “game” – that’s what it means in German – returns, here are some random thoughts:

• My beloved hubby (David – he keeps telling me that I do not mention his name, so here it is again: DAVID) now regularly reads my blog. Some might think that’s a good thing: he can get some precious insight into his oft times coo-coo wife’s life. Others might twinge at the thought, as they would think you now must consider your other half’s thoughts and emotions. I'm sitting on the fence: I love the fact that he takes interest in my little project and outlet of divulgence; on the other hand sometimes I find second-guessing myself about things I'm about to write: what will he think about it?
•  Yesterday he said the sweetest thing: he read my entry about the letter to Thin Me, and he declared that I was never a fatty in the “real sense”. However, he added, just before I started my pre-op diet he saw me completely losing the grip on my eating (yeah, I was the textbook case of pre-WLS over eating, as I was worried there are going to be things I will never able to eat again...) and I started showing signs of – ok, listen to this: - “fat woman ass”. Apparently that happens when you grow a ledge on the top of your buttocks: that’s what it is. But, but, but: losing just over 40lbs so far has already got rid of the FWA problem. Good to know.
• After a terrible case of overindulgence and not counting my calories (who can account for odd bits of cheesecake and cottage cheese dumplings... following a good wine and two shots of palinka? – brownie points to whoever knows what that is J) I have decided to try the 5 Day Pouch Test from Kaye Bailey. It basically replicates your post-surgery eating stages in 5 days, taking you back to basics and reminding you why it is important that you follow certain rules (and giving a break to your overstretched pouch). I'm on the second day, which is still liquids and this afternoon I found myself mightily missing some crunch – so I took a small pot of 0% greek yogurt and stirred in a tablespoon of oat granola. Tomorrow it’s soft proteins, so I can have eggs, tuna and all kind of softy protein based creations (I'm really looking forward to my evening tuna and parmesan patties...). I believe I will adopt this 5 day blitz approach whenever I catch myself falling off the wagon or committing some overindulgence. It’s a good thing this happened a month before Christmas, as I expect that will be hard time when it comes to sticking to my strict eating ways. So it’s good to know I can steer myself back gently with this 5DTP approach.
•  On another positive note: yesterday I ran 6.5 km – in 50 minutes. And I did not die on the spot. I’m planning to increase my distance slowly but surely up to 10k before I think about starting my half marathon training. Because I'm planning to run the Budapest Nike Half Marathon in next September.

Now, that’s a good statement to end this post!

Letter to Thin Me

This is my "40 lbs lost" post I've been waiting to share with you all since I started my WLS journey. Let me know what you think.

_________________________________________

Dear Thin Me,

I’ve been meaning to talk to you and get to know you better for as long as I can remember.

I’ve always been aware that you exist, but for the life of me, I could have never imagined you – I never had a chance to see you in my mind. Therefore I had no idea how you’d might look.

This always posed one of the biggest obstacles in my efforts to become you: I had no idea who “you” are and how "you" might look like... My imagination – although quite wild and colourful sometimes – was not capable of conjuring your image. That’s the reason I never really felt any connection between the two of us. Even when I said “I want to be you” I did not have an image of you - I had no idea who I'd so dearly want to become.

But now I do know how you look. You might change your hairstyle or colour (more blond highlights), or you might be wearing slightly different dresses, but at least I now have a pretty good image of you.

Here you are...

Now, to be honest and start our relationship right, I must tell you how deeply you ruined my self esteem throughout the years. I know it’s not your fault. I kept chasing you – without knowing what/who I’m chasing, but met with constant disappointment. For example, every time my picture was taken I firmly expected to see you on the photo – but it never was you, it was always dumpy me in various stages of being fat. Or every morning, when I sat down in front of my mirror: I sort of expected to see you in the reflection. But again it was fat me. Every day.

All these repeated disappointments led to me hating my pictures taken and looking into mirrors. Imagine: when I started belly dance training it took me over 6 months to be able to look at myself in the dance studio. That at least worth it – it took me the closest to how I always imagined you; although still not for me, but the admiring eyes of my audience. That felt good. It felt sometimes as living with split personality: I thoroughly hated myself and wanted to hide, still I put myself out there night after night... scantily clad. Crazy, I know! I must have an inner exhibitionist who secretly admires every chance to show herself off. Maybe it was you... Trying to reach out to me. Trying to break free from Fat Me.

To be fair, I believe I didn’t do much to make your life easier either. I mean living under huge amount of fat must be a killer... I hope that me losing over 40 lbs makes your life a little bit easier too – it definitely makes mine better. Good bye high blood pressure, aching knees, profuse sweating! And I start enjoying my exercises too. Just the other day I went for a completely unplanned run around our neck of the wood. Yes, in public! More power to me!

Actually, no: more power to YOU! Ever since I first saw you on this picture you have inspired me to multiply my effort in becoming You. Such a shame I wasted so much time already! I wasted so many years of your life. I hope you can find in yourself to forgive me for that. I promise from now on (well, from 23 June 2011) I’ll do everything I can to make you come alive as soon as possible.

I know my husband fancies you – we’ve got your picture on our fridge. He also cannot wait to meet you and get acquainted more closely. So it’s now two of us rooting for you. I’m sure you also believe in the power of attraction: the more I put into thinking of you and seeing you, the closer you become to reality. Day after day. Even if it takes a year or more. I’d be working hard, I won’t let you down. Not this time. You’re beautiful and deserve a full life.

With lots of love, Fat Me

Week of Public Accountability - Results

Ok, so a bit late – but better than never – I will make good on my accountability promise.

Here are all the figures – without the pics – for last Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

The short of it is that I lost 4.4 lbs last week. That is my best weekly loss.

This is another point in case that accountability does work – and the more public you are about your particular topic, the more you will stick to guidelines. At least that’s what happened to me.

I have considered doing this permanently, but I’m afraid this blog would turn into a really boring list of calories in – calories out... and because no-one would read it, the idea of public accountability would be lost. So I will just stick to my strict monitoring regimen and will imagine that all of you are still keeping an eye on what I put in my mouth – no white (or red, or brown and chocolaty...) lies about it!

My numbers - Friday:

Total food intake: 1103 kcal (steak night... khmm...)

Total calorie burned: 3291 kcal

Number of steps taken: 18755

Activity: 5K run

My numbers - Saturday:

Total food intake: 915 kcal

Total calorie burned: 2560 kcal

Number of steps taken: 9359

Activity: nothing what so ever... aka: rest day

My numbers - Sunday:

Total food intake: 1122 kcal (I know, I crap with food over the weekends... I must do better than this in the future.)

Total calorie burned: 2828 kcal

Number of steps taken: 10644 (and that includes 3k run... what a couch potato I can turn into!)

Activity: 3K run

Weight on Monday, 7^th November: 197.6lbs

Weight on Monday, 14^th November: 193.2lbs

Total lost: 4.4lbs – round of applause please!

Checking in

Just a quick note: I've been struck down by tonsillitis AND shingles. What a wonderful and upbeat combination! They made my weekend! (not)


My throat kills me with every swallow I attempt, and shingle sores do not like to be rubbed by Lycra, but I still managed to put in 3k on Sunday around Ruislip Lido - while Hubby walked the doggy. The fact that they did not overtake me walking while I was jogging is a massive achievement in my books. I'm a slow - SLOW - runner.


I will post the Friday-Sunday eating figures later as I intend to make good on my promise of week of accountability. But just to ease the international suspense regarding the weigthloss: although I ran on Friday previous the steak night and Sunday, did my best to eat sensibly all weekend (which seems to be my weakest link), and only slightly went over my calorie limit on Friday and Sunday,my weight went slightly up on Saturday and Sunday morning - but the scale was showing an all-time (looooong time) lowest figure this morning: 193.2! Yey for that!


This was my lowest weight at Christmas 2007, and the smallest David has ever seen me. So as far as he's concerned, every pound lost from now in a bonus. Cannot help but love that point of view!


Ok, back to my painkillers now... 

Week of Public Accountability - Day 4

My food:

Breakfast (107 kcal) – 9am – Chai latte with coconut milk

Lunch (266 kcal) – 1.30pm – Fresh salad with (10ml) thousand island dressing and Tapas bits with houmous (I know I’m eating the same all week, but it’s too nice to throw away...)

PM Snack (295 kcal) – in 3 stages, just like yesterday between 3pm and 7.30pm – Atkins Chocolate Coconut bar, portion of Just the Cheese, Lucozade lite

Dinner (211 kcal) – 8.30pm – Other half of the thai fishcake, bean sprouts and half a cupful of David’s vegetable curry

Total food intake: 879 kcal

My numbers:

Total calorie burned: 2693 kcal

Number of steps taken: 12644

Activity: 40 min Azucar (360 kcal - like Zumba, but without the “badge”)

Onwards to Friday - and steak night... I'm trying to save calories on snacks today, so I can enjoy the steak I'm going to cook tonight (with low fat creamed spinach and oven baked fires, maybe...)

Another good news: scale was down 2 lbs since yesterday morning. How about that?! I really-really-really do not want to ruin this midweek progress over the weekend. 

So, before steak night commences I'll do one more 5K run, and I'm planning a Zumba session for Sunday so I do not turn into a complete couch potato for the weekend. 

Or - but this have so many ifs and buts, that it might just be a distant plan - if weather is nice on Sunday (here in England that's never a given, not even at summer) I might persuade David to take the dog over to Rusilip Lido, and while he's walking around the lake with doggy, I can do a spot of jogging. That would be lovely.

Big hugs for all - and have a great weekend!

Week of Public Accountability - Day 3 (revised)

Thanks again for everyone keeping an eye on me - it does really worked so far!

So not to waste time - in medias res...
My food:

Breakfast (121 kcal) – 7am – Chai Latte with coconut milk

Lunch (270 kcal) – 12.30pm – Tapas bits with houmous and smoked cheese

PM Snack (283 kcal) – (between 3.30pm and 7.30 in 3 stages) – 1: Total0% with strawberry and a plum; 2: portion of Just the Cheese; 3: Lucozade lite sports drink

Dinner (184 kcal) – 8.00pm – 1/2 Thai fish cake with stir fried veg and bean sprouts

After Dinner Snack: (9pm) – 2 pieces of Celebration*

Total food intake: 958 kcal

My numbers:

Total calorie burned: 3316 kcal

Number of steps taken: 20958

Activity: 5K run (610 kcal – included above) +extra dog walking duties

*: I have to have a hear-to-hear with Hubby again. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a list for him about what he is always welcome to do/say and should never do/say to support me in my WLS journey. I understand his need to buy certain foods I'd rather not have in the house (like ice cream and cookies) but they do not bother me much when I just focus a little, if I'm honest. However, despite my protestation, he bought a small bucket of Celebrations for the Halloween trick-or-treaters (miniature Mars, Galaxy, Bounty, etc bars). We did not have any trick-or-treaters this year.. so the box stayed unopened. Two days after Halloween I asked him to take the sweets to work with him, but he refused. He instead put the box up in his drinks cabinet (where he keeps all his Cokes and stuff - I do not really go in there). Now, one important point on the above mentioned list is that he cannot hide food from me - because it triggers my "defiance mode" and I go for them "just to show you that you cannot control me".

Yesterday night I was home alone, watching Downton Abbey and I thought about the Celebration box... I opened it and ate two pieces... I felt defeated; and even though I was still under my daily calorie limit I felt my control slipping very fast. I went to bed early. 

It was too late to bring this up with him when he came home, but I intend to ask him again to clear away the sweets from the house. It seems that no matter how much I try I cannot be trusted around them.**


**: I asked Beloved to read this entry - he took it to heart... and took the sweets to work. Not without grumbling, though.... He stated his right to have sweets in the house for his eating pleasure. We need to come up with some compromise here: I do not mind most of his treats as I do not like them (like cookies and ice cream, etc.) He can have all those, if he wishes... I hope he'll understand.
He also asked me to let you all know: he actually surfaced from his coma this morning and cheered me when I stepped on the scale. Way to go, Hun! I love you!

Week of Public Accountability – Day 2

I exhibited some erratic behaviour about my food choices yesterday... I felt a little bit deprived after Monday’s scarcity and the pound loss showing on the scale Tuesday morning also influenced me – not in a good way. I'm afraid I'm one of those people who battle really hard with food to make good choices, but when they do they reward themselves with – guess what? – FOOD. How stupid is that? I need to work on breaking this cycle. It proved to be my downfall every time after a certain period on any successful diet: after losing a lot I started thinking “oh, it’s okay to eat (..fill in whatever bad choice you can think of..) this one time; you've been working so hard and good lately, you deserve this treat!”. And it always ended up with me gaining back all what I lost with interest. Why do I do this????

So, as you will see, there were some less than stellar choices on my plate – and they all appeared following the display of the above mentioned destructive behaviour.

On a more positive note: I still managed to eat under my daily allowance (1029 kcal) and did an hour walking in my lunch break. Also, Scale God was forgiving this morning, showing 0.6lb loss which I’m very grateful for looking at the pictures down here:

My food:

Breakfast (132 kcal) – 7am – Total0% with homemade apple pie innards (SF)

AM Snack (211 kcal) – 11.30 am – portion of Just the Cheese and half a tossed salad

 (half of this salad)

Lunch (259 kcal) – 2.30pm – Tapas bits with half pot of low fat houmous and smoked cheese

PM Snack (118 kcal) – 4.30pm – 3 pieces of Chocolaty Micro Bites

Dinner (251 kcal) – 8.30pm – Tuna Insalatissime with Camembert and crostini

Total food intake: 971 kcal

My numbers:

Total calorie burned: 2778 kcal

Number of steps taken: 14248

Activity: 60 min walk

Week of Public Accountability – Day 1

My food:

Breakfast (121 kcal) – 9am – Chai latte with coconut milk (I’m not a breakfast person; also trying to cut out caffeine and dairy)

Lunch (196 kcal) – 1pm – grilled chicken pieces, mini Babybell, 10g Hint of Chilli mayonnaise

PM Snack (123 kcal) – 4pm – Total0% with blueberries

Dinner (161 kcal) – 8.30pm – 1 egg omelette with smoked salmon, spring onion and grated Red Leicester (matchbox is to give you a sense of portion size)

After dinner snack (162 kcal) – 9.45pm – Chai latte with semi-skimmed milk

Total food intake: 763 kcal

My numbers:

Total calorie burned: 2764 kcal

Number of steps taken: 12884

Activity: 45 min Zumba (475 kcal – included in burned)

A couple of things you need to know, before while formulating your opinion:

• I have a BodyBug (BodyMedia device) which keeps track of all my movements and all the calories my body burns in a day. That's how I know so much...
• I cannot do much fruit – it makes me very bloated. I try to have them occasionally and I keep buying them every week... But I hardly eat them.
• I'm really struggling with my water intake. I drink Crystal Lights and fruit teas most of the time, but I cannot say a reach the 2l (64 oz) limit every day. Some days I do.

I must tell you, this accountability thing is working for me: throughout the day when I was making all kinds of choices my second thought always was “this is going public, I really need to do my best...”.

So I did not have toast with my dinner, I did not skip exercising and were overall sensible with my choices.

Thanks for everyone who offered to keep an eye on me – on and off line.